I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
