also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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