Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize