Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
