And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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