I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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