All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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