i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
