shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
