Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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