Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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