Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
