Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
