Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
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