What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
