Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize