Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
