Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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