Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
