I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Randomize
