fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
