I never want to see another naked old woman again.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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