he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
