Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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