batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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