I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
