I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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