You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
