The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
