I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
