Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
