Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize