He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
