Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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