I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Randomize
