I met the friendliest cop last night
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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