grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
