I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
