also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
