I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
i think my cat just said my name.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
