id be glad to
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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