he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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