she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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