just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
