Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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