Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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