woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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