You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
