Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
we're so committed to being not committed
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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