can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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