I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
