The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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