Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You can't special order awesome
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
