I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
i believe in u and ur pee
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
