I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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