Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
