We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
