I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I just want nice things and good sex
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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