Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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