Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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