I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
