He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
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