He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
